My husband asked me what I want for Mother’s Day and I told him nothing. I’m not lying. I don’t want him to get me anything because the only thing I want is to write this post. I’ve wanted to write it since I was pregnant but wasn’t ready. Now I’m ready.
I want to talk about the other side of pregnancy. The taboo side of pregnancy and that is the people who aren’t happy they are pregnant. Everyone has different reasons but for me it was that I wasn’t ready. I wanted to get a good job and feel stable. I wanted to be ready. To plan, to research, and to be ready as I could be, but when I found out I was pregnant, I was completely devastated. My world felt like it had shattered into a 1000 pieces.
I found out I was pregnant 3 months before I got married. That was really hard for me because those 3 months were the difference between “congratulations” and “I wish you would have waited.” Those 3 months were what made a lot of my husband’s family members look down on me, like I was a whore. Like I was the one who tied him down and forced him to have sex. Nevermind the fact we had been together over 2 years. Nevermind the fact that he was the one who wanted sex more than me. Nevermind the fact that I didn’t really want to have a lot of sex because I didn’t want to get pregnant… but I did.
I was upset. I was hurt. I was angry. And I was scared. Scared about what would happen to my body. I know some guys who can be so mean to women after having a baby because she doesn’t lose the weight in 2 weeks, even though it took her 9 months to create the child. Mostly I was scared about the baby. I may not have been ready, but I didn’t want anything to happen to it, now a him. I didn’t know most miscarriages happen in the first trimester. I was terrified. Once I made it to the 2nd trimester I was still just as scared that something would go wrong.
I was scared of my husband not being attracted to me. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me I was beautiful even though I felt awful, but the baby moving freaked him out. Sometimes it made me feel so alone.
I was scared of labor and delivery. What if something went wrong? What if my vagina is never okay again? What if I’m never okay again?
My pregnancy was honestly awful. I was miserable. Some women love being pregnant but I loathed it completely. I felt like I couldn’t do anything anymore. Everyone loved to remind me about what I couldn’t do while pregnant. I hated eating so much. I know some women love having an excuse for eating so much, I wasn’t used to eat so much. It was like I was never full and would eat anything just to make the hunger stop.
As the months dragged on I started to realize just how long 9 months really feels. I had never really thought about it before.
By 4 months i still hadn’t really announced I was pregnant. Only about 5 people knew outside of my family. There was a reason too. I felt guilty for not wanting to have a child yet. The keyword there being yet. I felt so guilty knowing some women try and never get pregnant. I know several women who want children and are struggling with PCOS and would give anything to have a child. Facebook and social media have really opened my eyes to the struggles of child birth. I never knew about PCOS. I also didn’t know that miscarriages happen more than you think. So, I felt terrible because I didn’t want a child when it’s all these women wanted. I even prayed for one woman I know. I almost messaged her so many times. I’m not sure why.
After 4 long months, that’s when it hit me harder than a brick wall. Yet. The keyword. I had no reason to feel guilty. The difference between me and those women were that they were ready. They had time to do the research. They had time to plan. They were are the chapter in their life that wanted a baby. I wasn’t. It didn’t mean I didn’t want a child. It didn’t mean I was a horrible person. It meant that I had a vision just like they do, but my vision took a detour.
The sad thing is that it shouldn’t have taken 4 months to realize that. Why did it? Because of words like “be thank you can get pregnant.” No. Just stop. Did I ever say I wasn’t thankful? I understand it’s a tough subject for some people but there’s a difference in being careless and getting pregnant over and over again without caring about what happens versus not being ready to get pregnant because you wanted a child a few years later.
It made me feel worse. Like I wasn’t allowed to complain about the struggles of being pregnant. News flash: it’s a lot on the body. But that doesn’t mean I was complaining about the actual pregnancy. I wasn’t complaining about the actual child.
I ended up doing a lot of research just in hopes I wasn’t alone and thank God I wasn’t. Just because my struggle is different from yours, don’t make me feel bad until you know my side of the story.
Because you want to know my side of the story? I wasn’t ready to have a child. I had plans. Just like you do. But now my plans have changed. If I could go back, I wouldn’t. This little baby boy needs me, but more importantly I think I need him more. It wasn’t my plan, but it was what I needed. I’ve grown. I’ve changed but that doesn’t mean it was easy. It took me time. And I am very thankful. So please don’t ever think that I was thinking anything otherwise.
When I my husband asked what I wanted for mother’s day, I told him nothing because this year my little baby boy looking back at me is enough.
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