First blog post

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Last night I found out that my husband has been watching porn. We’ve been married a year and he’s already getting tired of sex with me. I’m hurt. I feel betrayed. I don’t want to see him, be near him, or talk to him. I wish he would just leave. I feel worthless. 

Facebook Mom Groups are Rough! 

I’m currently apart of 5 groups and some of these women are absolutely harsh. I think it’s funny because most them have a pinned post that says something like “we are all here to give support. Be nice,” but if you post something someone doesn’t like then suddenly you’re a “dumb bitch.” 

They are toxic. I’m about to delete them all. I may keep one or two but reading all the negativity makes me unhappy with my life, especially when these people bash their husbands. At first I was like “yeah, my husband does/doesn’t do that too” and it was nice not to feel so alone. But some women… some women make marriage look awful. I don’t want to feel that way against my husband. I feel guilty just posting a post complaining about him. I love my husband. There was a time when women didn’t have Facebook to post their dirty laundry. 

Thanks for adding me, friends, but I think I’ll keep my thoughts to myself. I’m surprised I haven’t already been banned for that…

I Just Read A Comment Where The Lady Types Like This.

So, I checked her page out. She Always Types Like This. Apparently, she used to use Q’s for G’s, like thinqs (things), rinq (ring), and sinq (sing). Thank God she doesn’t do that anymore but seriously, all I can think about is How Much Work It Is To Type Like This. It’s A Pain On My Phone. It’s A Pain On The Laptop As Well. She just randomly started typing like that one day. Being the grammar Nazi that I am, it drives me nuts! 

Now, if you’ll excuse me while I go clear out my phone’s keyboard cache so it doesn’t think I type like that too. 

Happy Mother’s Day!

I have a lot to be proud about. I never did drugs or drank. I never partied. I never skipped school. I survived high school. I got a college degree. 

But being a mom is my biggest accomplishment. 

This little guy is my everything. I love hm so much. It’s not easy but it’s worth it. Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommas out there. 

Shout-out to the Single Moms. 

Shout-out to the single moms. You do what you do because you have to. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and I appreciate everything he does for my family. However, sometimes it’s really hard. Hard because my expectations of him helping versus his actual helping are completely different. He’s not the only one. I’ve talked to several friends who have told me their significant other didn’t really help until the baby was closer to 1 year. That’s tough. When you’ve spent literally all day watching a baby. I mean waking up every 2-3 hours since midnight, changing diapers, feeding, and trying everything to soothe a crying baby, all you pray for is your SO to watch the baby a little bit for you to take a nap. Just hold the baby long enough to let you rest. But a lot of men are afraid they will hurt the baby. It’s okay because I understand. I was scared too but at some point it gets a little old. So, to all you single moms, you’re the real MVP. Happy early Mother’s Day! 

The worst part about having a baby?

Is the fear. The fear of a miscarriage. The fear of doing something wrong while pregnant. The fear of something going wrong in labor. I thought it would go away once my baby was born but now it’s worse. He isn’t protected in my stomach anymore. He’s sick right now and I hate not being able to understand what’s wrong. He can’t just tell me he doesn’t feel well. 

There was the fear of dropping him. There was the fear of my husband going back to work and me being alone. There is the fear of SIDS. There is the fear of not giving him enough food to grow. The fear of raising him right. The fear of not loving him enough. 

The worst part about having a baby is the fear. 18 to life. 

My first mother’s day (my pregnancy story). 

My husband asked me what I want for Mother’s Day and I told him nothing. I’m not lying. I don’t want him to get me anything because the only thing I want is to write this post. I’ve wanted to write it since I was pregnant but wasn’t ready. Now I’m ready. 

I want to talk about the other side of pregnancy. The taboo side of pregnancy and that is the people who aren’t happy they are pregnant. Everyone has different reasons but for me it was that I wasn’t ready. I wanted to get a good job and feel stable. I wanted to be ready. To plan, to research, and to be ready as I could be, but when I found out I was pregnant, I was completely devastated. My world felt like it had shattered into a 1000 pieces. 

I found out I was pregnant 3 months before I got married. That was really hard for me because those 3 months were the difference between “congratulations” and “I wish you would have waited.” Those 3 months were what made a lot of my husband’s family members look down on me, like I was a whore. Like I was the one who tied him down and forced him to have sex. Nevermind the fact we had been together over 2 years. Nevermind the fact that he was the one who wanted sex more than me. Nevermind the fact that I didn’t really want to have a lot of sex because I didn’t want to get pregnant… but I did. 

I was upset. I was hurt. I was angry. And I was scared. Scared about what would happen to my body. I know some guys who can be so mean to women after having a baby because she doesn’t lose the weight in 2 weeks, even though it took her 9 months to create the child. Mostly I was scared about the baby. I may not have been ready, but I didn’t want anything to happen to it, now a him. I didn’t know most miscarriages happen in the first trimester. I was terrified. Once I made it to the 2nd trimester I was still just as scared that something would go wrong. 

I was scared of my husband not being attracted to me. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me I was beautiful even though I felt awful, but the baby moving freaked him out. Sometimes it made me feel so alone. 

I was scared of labor and delivery. What if something went wrong? What if my vagina is never okay again? What if I’m never okay again? 

My pregnancy was honestly awful. I was miserable. Some women love being pregnant but I loathed it completely. I felt like I couldn’t do anything anymore. Everyone loved to remind me about what I couldn’t do while pregnant. I hated eating so much. I know some women love having an excuse for eating so much, I wasn’t used to eat so much. It was like I was never full and would eat anything just to make the hunger stop. 

As the months dragged on I started to realize just how long 9 months really feels. I had never really thought about it before. 

By 4 months i still hadn’t really announced I was pregnant. Only about 5 people knew outside of my family. There was a reason too. I felt guilty for not wanting to have a child yet. The keyword there being yet. I felt so guilty knowing some women try and never get pregnant. I know several women who want children and are struggling with PCOS and would give anything to have a child. Facebook and social media have really opened my eyes to the struggles of child birth. I never knew about PCOS. I also didn’t know that miscarriages happen more than you think. So, I felt terrible because I didn’t want a child when it’s all these women wanted. I even prayed for one woman I know. I almost messaged her so many times. I’m not sure why. 

After 4 long months, that’s when it hit me harder than a brick wall. Yet. The keyword. I had no reason to feel guilty. The difference between me and those women were that they were ready. They had time to do the research. They had time to plan. They were are the chapter in their life that wanted a baby. I wasn’t. It didn’t mean I didn’t want a child. It didn’t mean I was a horrible person. It meant that I had a vision just like they do, but my vision took a detour. 

The sad thing is that it shouldn’t have taken 4 months to realize that. Why did it? Because of words like “be thank you can get pregnant.” No. Just stop. Did I ever say I wasn’t thankful? I understand it’s a tough subject for some people but there’s a difference in being careless and getting pregnant over and over again without caring about what happens versus not being ready to get pregnant because you wanted a child a few years later. 
It made me feel worse. Like I wasn’t allowed to complain about the struggles of being pregnant. News flash: it’s a lot on the body. But that doesn’t mean I was complaining about the actual pregnancy. I wasn’t complaining about the actual child. 

I ended up doing a lot of research just in hopes I wasn’t alone and thank God I wasn’t. Just because my struggle is different from yours, don’t make me feel bad until you know my side of the story. 

Because you want to know my side of the story? I wasn’t ready to have a child. I had plans. Just like you do. But now my plans have changed. If I could go back, I wouldn’t. This little baby boy needs me, but more importantly I think I need him more. It wasn’t my plan, but it was what I needed. I’ve grown. I’ve changed but that doesn’t mean it was easy. It took me time. And I am very thankful. So please don’t ever think that I was thinking anything otherwise.

When I my husband asked what I wanted for mother’s day, I told him nothing because this year my little baby boy looking back at me is enough. 

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